in a deviation from the usual carefree entries, tonight, i mark this night with remembering someone close to me who has just passed on.

my grandfather.

today. at approximately 7.15p.m., he took his last breath and peacefully left the world. on my watch. i could go utterly crazy screaming right now. i was the only one who saw him take his last breath. it seemed like an eternity. he did not breathe in at first for quite a while and i got quite worried. then came the sharp intake of breath. the last breath never seem to came. and it dint.

i'll never ever forget that moment. i ran up, told my parents. before i knew it i was back downstairs looking at him, lying there, looking so peaceful. and it struck me that i will never come home again calling him or looking at him and helping him and all. never again would i look into those beady eyes. nor would i hear his voice again. i did not believe at all, not for a single moment that he left. i could not take it. i could almost see his stomach moving up and down, just like it does when he sleeps. my parents were so solemn. tears welled up. i never knew they could come so spontaneously. my sisters followed. my dad. was so close too. my grandma was just in utter shock.

i swear. my mom is wonder woman.

she did EVERYTHING so quickly. everyone was alerted, my uncle was rushing down with his family, my aunt was speeding down the highways with my cousin. she contacted the funeral parlour, the doctor, everyone! i am in total awe of her. in such trying situations she just did everything, so calmly. crying was for later. if not for her, i swear nothing would have gotten done. i salute you mom <3

my uncle and his family arrived next. my uncle stood next to my grandpa's bed. straightaway, sobs and tears. i'd never forget that sound either. the agony of a son losing his own father. i'll come to experience that myself. i dont ever want to but i'll have to.

people come and go. we live and we die. every second passes by so quickly. life is so unexpected. though we did expect his death (stage4 colon cancer and a very grim outlook from the doctor plus a very strong gut feeling), we always prayed he'll survive longer. that he'll pull through and smile longer. but it was not meant to be.

memories started flooding back. i saw myself again, small, dimunitive and bloody playful. he taught me chinese calligraphy, something i never really mastered well. it's a family tradition, for the grandfather to teach the grandson calligraphy. his patience, him holding my hand and guiding me slowly as i dipped the brush with ink and slowly smeared across the box and formed words, to my utter surprise. him scolding me when i wrote disgustingly (most of the time, to be honest) and his praises. i still have my first brush. then my first chinese chess game. he taught me the basics and taught me how to play. my dad chipped in and played along as well. i learnt so much from him, all his guiles and tactics, his little tricks and amazing moves. i'll never forget them. we played so much. all the time, when he was free. then one day i finally beat him. but anyhow.

i still remember when we were still staying in the condo. he would make me stay up late at night to watch documentaries on TV12 (central today). he would tell me about the world and how beautiful it is (all this in chinese o.O). he would teach me the names of every planet in the solar system, in chinese too! he would watch the documentaries with me, he would discuss and talk to me about sea turtles, crocodiles and living beings of every sort. those were amazing times. my general knowledge was built up here. my interest and inquisitive self was at best here.

here, i would like to thank several people. for helping me thus far in coping. thank you tyings, most important person ever <3. thank you glen, best friend <3. thank you xiang, caring good friend who has never failed me <3

whatever that happened, it was all thanks to you, grandpa. thank you for meaning so much to me, the past 16 years of my life. thank you for teaching me so much, for being such a great grandpa. it has been amazing and i hope you're happy, wherever you might be now.

thank you. rest in peace. <3 i'll never forget you.

12th August 2007. a part of my life has moved on, but he will always stay within my heart forever.