random thoughts have been darting incessantly through my head. worrying thoughts and queries. way too many i guess. it's disturbing. im just going to let it all out here.

according to dictionary.com:

home [hohm]
-noun
1) a house, apartment, or other shelter that is the usual residence of a person, family, or household.
2) the place in which one's domestic affections are centred

family [fam-uh-lee or fam-lee]
-noun
1) parents and their children, considered as a group, whether dwelling together or not.

a home usually contains a family. but a family need not be together to be a family. i could be living in india, my dad in tibet, my mom in pakistan, my sisters in madagascar, we'd still be a family.

however, a family can just live in a house. a temporal residence. it need not be home. having a family in it does not make a house a home.

not unless there's love. which brings me to my real point.

having a senile (it appears so. or at least she wants us to think so, apparently) grandma at home certainly does change things. after he went away to a better place, things have been chaotic. grandma, now alone, cant help but be depressed. we treated her for it, now she's back with a vengeance.

how does it feel, after treating someone so nicely for so long, treating someone as part of your family even though you technically are only an outsider since you married in, to be rejected by the very same person you're taking care of? it must be devastating. to be called an outsider, to realise that all your efforts have been in vain; that the one person you look after so well treats you like scum, like dirt. it isnt a nice feeling, not at all. in this case, the so called chinese values of the importance of your family line is thrown into perspective.

surely. if you married in, how does that make you Lesser than the other? the fact that someone in the family loves you enough to make you part of their family, surely, shouldnt you be treated the same way too?

life is unfair. really.

not for me, but for the people who brought me into this world. thank you, mom & dad.

it's really thanks to them, that i lead such a sheltered life. that i cant possibly fathom the hardships that they've gone through before. this house, may not be home to my grandma, but a temporal site of residence. i really dont know how she thinks, i dare not probe into the depths of her mind. she still treats people unfairly. even when she's living in luxury. my mom's dad eats bread for all 3 meals. my grandma (my dad's mom) complains of too much food. my mom's dad doesnt even have the money to get medication; my grandma has too much medication to take. my mom's dad needs to pay for his own living expenses; it's FOC for my grandma.

life is really unfair. i like my mom's dad way better. he's so happy, so peaceful. even though i cant understand him half the time, seeing him so fit and healthy and happy really really makes me feel better. my grandma is grudgeful, hateful, she cant seem to live a day without cursing and swearing at my parents. nope, they dont ever know the meaning of peaceful harmony. shouting matches at 8am on weekends tend to wake me up nowadays. it's horrendous, it's disgusting. the scum that my grandma flings, the dirt she piles on top of everyone, it sucks. as far as i know, my parents have done nothing but good. it's hurtful, it's unfair; to see such juvenile and idiotic behaviour from someone who used to be a school teacher.

but enough of that. homes are important. im thankful to have one. im dedicating this post to the ones who make my life easier, though they obviously wont read this.

lately, scholars have come into play in my life quite a lot. i admire them, very very much.

i've been away from home, without my parents, for at most 2 weeks at one shot. (oh gylc, how i miss you) these scholars, they are essentially alone in a foreign land to study and get good grades to make their distant faraway parents proud. they need to complete a homestay, to see how life truly is in singapore, to get a slice of what they miss (somewhat). they rarely get to go home, they dont really mix around much. but that will change with plans, hopefully.

but yes, memories surface with these thoughts. the time my older sister wanted to run away from home. the time i wanted to run away from home. it's a stupid trend. hopefully, my young sister wont follow suit. i'll just end this post with some words that helped, words that will matter in trying times, especially those that are upon my home now.

you cant lose your family, no matter how hard you try, no matter how far away you go. they stick with you, through all your crap, you live with them for a good part of your life. you need family.

thank god i have mine.